My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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