i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
