if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize