if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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