my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
