Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
