East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This is the high leading the old right now
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
