I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
