unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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