The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
