I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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