last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
