Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
