really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
