she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
