He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
