You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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