So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
