remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
