All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
