U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
