I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
