In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You need Xanax blowdarts
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
