Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize