Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
