the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
