There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize