and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
