I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
