***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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