The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize