OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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