my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
