I cannot find my penis.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Randomize
