bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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