pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
