No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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