it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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