i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
