if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
