Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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