can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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