You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
