Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
