He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
