he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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