Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
