took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
