wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
