i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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