Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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