So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
