remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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