If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
