last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
