dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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