Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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