im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
