apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
