Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize