I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
