my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
