dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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