i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I party with great urgency now.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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