i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize