Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
