I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
