we have pet lesbian snakes
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
