he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
