ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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