you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
